July 22nd, 2015

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On November 15th, 2008, I created this blog to document my life, obsessions, writing, and art. Nearly seven years later, I waded through 300 posts to completely f-lock the entirety of this blog.

This was due to a few things: rl friends coming across it and opening up conversations I don't really want to have, the sheer embarrassment from how obnoxious I used to act, cringe-worthy things I used to post, and how triggering it is for me to go back and look through entries that were a little to open about the depression and anxiety I was suffering.

Why, you might ask, don't I just delete this blog entirely? Well, it's due to a couple of different things: For one, no matter how embarrassed I am about the entries in my journal, it still is me, probably a truer version of me than I'd be able to find looking through pictures or my own memories of that time (nostalgia loves to play dirty tricks on the mind, after all). Even the stories and terrible drawings were an important part of my teenage years, so to delete and deny it's existence would be ignoring a part of myself. Second, it really is a good documentation of what I was going through during high school and my first year of college, and reading through it now reminds me of details that I've forgotten, but are still incredibly important to me, despite how triggering they can be. And third, no matter how many friends I've made in rl and who I still keep in contact with, I will always have a special place in my heart for the little community we created around ourselves. I don't know how I wouldn't have survived without you guys, and even if we've completely lost contact, I'm still so grateful for all that I was able to learn from each of you.

I did a fair share of digging around the journals of everyone on my friends list, hoping that there were people still posting. With the exception of one of you, most entries began to peter out around the same time mine did, or held on for a year or so longer. So, if, like me, you come across this entry, I would love to get back in contact. The comments here are still emailed to me, so I'd be happy to pass on my email or any of the various social media platforms I haunt now.

Still, I miss this community terribly and know that no other social media platform will ever have the same magic that livejournal held, when all of our mutual friends all commented on each other’s posts, supported our work, somehow tolerated hyperactive teenage me, and created such a special friend group of people from all over the world who have (mostly) never met.

I still haven't entirely decided what I want to do with this blog, but I know that I can never bring myself to delete it. A crazy part of me wants to begin posting again, since this is the only social media that I have that is completely private from my rl friends. But I know, deep down, that it will never be the same lj that I once knew, no matter if I went searching for active friends or not. So for now, my entries will remain f-locked, forever frozen in time on the depths of the internet, ready if anyone is willing to return.